She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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