My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
