That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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