we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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