I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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