No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
