if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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