got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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