Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
