She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
