Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
