Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
