Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
