i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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