remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
