I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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