I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
