You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
