why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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