I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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