She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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