textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
