the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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