Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
