On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
