Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
