I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
