she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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