I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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