Plan B is the new Plan A
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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