i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
