I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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