I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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