Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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