I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
