so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
