chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
These tits shall not be calmed
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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