im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
