Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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