Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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