the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
