I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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