if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
