I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
