I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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