i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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