I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
