if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
