I think I died a long time ago.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
