i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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